Hidden Feelings
by Caitlyn90
Summary: Lily Evans just wants to get on with life. But James Potter has no intention of letting that happen. Unfortunately, a part of Lily is ready to get in the way too. Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any related characters. Please R&R.
1. The Dream

**Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters and ideas belong to JK Rowling and I take no credit for these. Only the plot details are mine.**

**The Dream**

The window to the common room rattled. Lily looked up and sighed before returning to the book she was reading, not bothering to look at the cause. There was no need to look, she thought, for she knew that was what they wanted.

"You look happy?" Cat broke into her thoughts in her blunt fashion, flopping herself down next to Lily by the fire. The snow covering her robes and hair began to melt.

The window rattled again, saving Lily from answering. This time the snowball stayed there, as if stuck mid-flight. Cat looked at it and nodded infuriatingly, Lily knew she understood a bit too much.

"The toerag's still out there then?"

That was the problem with Cat; she was the only one who just wouldn't shut up. Deciding not to answer, Lily turned a page in her book, knowing fully well that nothing about vanishing solutions was going in. Cat wasn't giving in without a fight.

As Lily remained silent, Cat leant over and poked her, looking at her questioningly.

"Yes" Lily sighed "He's still out there, him and his little gang. They've been snowballing the window for the last hour." On cue, another snowball hit the window.

"Oh for pity's sake" A seventh year whom Lily recognised as a prefect crossed to the window, opened it, stuck her head out and looked around for the culprit. "POTTER!" Lily dropped her book as the prefect shrieked. "If one more snowball hits this window you'll be in detention for a month!"

Slamming the window, she crossed back to her table. A snowball hit the window. Lily and Cat glanced at each other, waiting for the explosion. As if by magic, the snowball left the window at speed. A muffled cry told the waiting Gryffindor common room that the snowball had found its mark. Smiling, the girls returned to work.

Lily laid down her completed potions essay an hour later to wait for the ink to dry. The portrait hole opened and her spirits sank. He was back. Gathering up her books she made quickly for the dormitories, but not quite quickly enough.

"Evans!" The voice boomed though the room and her spirits sank. Why her? "Didn't see you outside. Cracking fight!"

"No Potter" she spat "some of us have to work" and then she ran.

Taking the stairs two at a time she came to rest on her bed. Allie looked up from her trunk. "Problem?" she enquired

"Nothing I can't handle" Lily replied curtly. Allie nodded and went back to her trunk. Lily knew she had been harsh, but that Allie wouldn't take offence. She was the only one who seemed to understand the problem.

Cat couldn't see the problem. To her it was black and white. James likes Lily, Lily likes James; they go out. Allie understood that James was still arrogant and an idiot, whether Lily liked him or not.

Lily moved around the bed, pulled the hangings and went to bed.

_It was dark. Too dark. The room was unrecognisable, yet Lily felt at home. And he was there, his arms around her, his body close to hers. She kissed him again and again, knowing that she never wanted it to end._

"_I love you Lily." The words surprised her, though she felt she had heard them a thousand times before. "I love you too James."_

Lily sat up, hugging the cover to her. That dream, again and again, always the same; and always left her with the same feeling of guilt. She felt the tears slide down her face, overwhelming her.

Light shone through the curtains. Lily dressed quietly, so as not to wake the others and left. She wanted to be out of there, away from the memory of what had happened. She judged an hour before everyone woke and headed for a chair by the newly lit fire.

Halfway across the common room she froze; did they never leave? Peter was gone, but the other three remained, occupying chairs by the fire. Lily began to shiver and turned. She felt the tears reawaken. Tired, cold and upset, and now deprived the comfort she desired.

"Lily?" It was not James who spoke, but Remus. Lily didn't mind him; in general he was nicer than James. She turned back, then realised her mistake as he registered her tears. "What's –"

Making for the portrait hole, she didn't let him complete the question. She heard the chair squeak as he got up, and before she knew it he was in front of her, blocking her path. Then hugging her, as tears streamed down her cheeks and she sank to the floor, sobbing.

Remus didn't know what made him stop her; he could have let her leave. He knew something between her and Prongs made them act differently. He was an arrogant arse around her. And her friend Allie had told him Lily was never the same around him. Remus liked Allie, and worked well with her in Charms. They were both agreed their friends would be better off once they sorted their feelings.

"What's wrong?" Her sobs subsided enough for them to talk.

She shook her head. "Just a nightmare" Her eyes, however, flicked to the chair where James slept. Remus understood immediately what was going on. He released her and she stood up, and muttered an apology. He shook his head to indicate it didn't matter.

As she left for the portrait hole he knew he had to say something.

"Lily" His voice made her stop and look back. "He's not always like that, you know. He's-. Well-. Um…. Talk to him." Remus cursed is inability to say what he wanted, but Lily nodded, as if he had confirmed something she had suspected, or hoped. Looking him in the eyes, she smiled and climbed through the portrait hole.

Turning to his friends, he found Sirius awake, smiling. "Prongs is one lucky guy!"

Remus did not return the smile. "Only if he sorts himself out"

Both boys turned to look at their friend, still sleeping and drooling slightly. Their faces dropped as they recalled the last meeting.

"Needs a swift kick somewhere first."


	2. Mistaken Signs

**Mistaken signs**

As his friends threw food into their mouths at an alarming rate, Remus scanned the Gryffindor table. He wasn't surprised to see Lily was absent. Her friend Allie was gone too. Had they finished? Or not come down yet? Remus suspected they had finished, though he hadn't seen Allie come down to the common room once Lily left.

Something hit him in the face, he swung round, incensed, to find James and Sirius laughing at him. James was holding half a sausage roll in his hand, and Remus suspected he knew what had happened to the other half.

"Who're you waiting for?" James grinned at him with a mouth full of food.

"Nobody." Remus mumbled and turned back to his bacon. James looked like he wanted to say something, but Sirius, still staring at Remus, quickly changed the subject. As Sirius and James debated something and Peter agreed with both of them, Remus let his thoughts wander.

That morning had shaken him more than he had let show to Sirius. Of course, Padfoot always had one girl or another hanging off him adoringly, and half of the year would gladly go out with James. He had never found himself in that situation.

He didn't, he decided, want it to happen again. He wouldn't know what to say, or what to do. And besides, James was obsessed with her and they were best mates. No, it was best to stay away from her.

Sirius nudged him in the ribs "Oi, Potions" he muttered. Remus followed him from the hall to the classroom. Taking a free chair by James he glanced forward as he dumped his bag. There she was, her red hair falling down the back of her chair. And sure enough, next to her were the brown curls he had come to recognise. Lily and Allie; the inseparable pair.

After Potions the four had a free period. Startled into movement by James kicking his chair as he rose, Remus realised none of the lesson had sunk in. Sirius muttered something to James, who left with Peter in tow.

Moving forward, Remus found himself face to face with Sirius, who looked annoyed. Startled, Remus stepped backwards.

"You and Lily?" Sirius's voice was low and dangerous.

"What?" Whatever Remus had been expecting, it wasn't this.

"I saw you, you haven't taken your eyes off her for the last hour. I never thought you'd do this to James."

"Sirius, no it's not Lily, I mean- no- I wouldn't do that to him. Lily's lovely but it's A-" Remus paused, not sure how much he should let slip here.

It had been enough. Sirius grinned at once. "Sorry, mate. _Charmed_ you has she?"

Remus said nothing but turned a brilliant shade of red. Sirius threw an arm round him, chucking and guided him from the room.

Sirius was still smiling as they reached the common room, and Remus had begun to smile again. Kicking open the portrait hole the smiles fell off their faces in a way that could have been comical if anyone had been paying attention. The common room was almost deserted, and all faces were turned to James Potter.

Smoothing his hair, James was literally strutting around the common room by the fire, playing with the snitch he always kept in his pocket. Sitting at a table a few feet away was Lily, studiously ignoring him whilst reading a book and looking agitated.

"Damn." Sirius charged forward, grabbed James by the arm and dragged him into a chair. "Mate, what in the name of Merlin are you doing? Sit down and stay down."

James seemed to know he had met his match and sat there, still plating with his match and shooting furtive glances at Lily. Remus bit back a smile as Lily returned them, less frequently, but surely it was a matter of time before they caught each others eye.

Lily has long since stopped paying attention to her work. She forced herself not to go red as James Potter kept glancing at her. Looking up for a moment she found Remus looking at her. He smiled and raised his eyebrows at James. She knew what he was trying to tell her, but she couldn't see this other Potter, he one his friends seemed to know. All she could see was the arrogant toerag who did that annoying thing with his hair and the snitch.

The next time she looked up her eyes met, not Remus, but James. She felt herself go red as his eyes looked into her. Picking up her bag she felt her face burn red, and fled to the safety of the dormitory.


	3. An Unexpected Uniting

**An Unexpected Uniting**

James watched her run, until the last of her bag had disappeared up the stairs. Looking back to the fire he found all of his friends staring at him.

"Prongs." It was Sirius who spoke first. "You've gotta stop acting like an arse mate. You're making it harder for yourself."

"Don't know what you're talking about." James muttered, though he knew inside that he did.

"You're being a-" Sirius tried to speak but Remus cut across him.

"The hair thing, the walk thing, the snitch thing. Stop it" having put everything succinctly into one sentence, Remus left the fire to join another table.

"Where's he going?" asked Peter, who had until then stayed silent.

"Dunno." Sirius frowned, then brightened as he recognised the curly haired girl Remus had joined. "Oh- Allie. Good on you Moony" he smiled and turned to James,

"Look, you like her, but you're acting like a prat. For goodness sake just talk to her. And don't do any of the stuff Remus just pointed out."

James just looked glum and sat silently. Sirius turned to watch Allie and Remus, now poring over books. Sirius hoped that more than work was going on. What would be the fun otherwise?

Late that night, Lily returned to the common room to find her transfiguration textbook. Realising it was by the fire, she sighed. Why were her things trying to get her to go near Potter all the time? He didn't look happy, she noticed, and was sitting on his own.

"Where is everyone?" she asked. Why? She thought. Did I really just open a conversation with James potter?

James looked shocked, and then smiled at her. "Peter's in bed" he rolled his eyes. "Sirius is with a girl somewhere and Remus is with that mate of yours."

"Allie?" Lily asked, curiosity getting the better of her and sliding into a chair opposite him.

"Yeah, library I think." James raised a hand to smooth his hair, remembered Remus's words, and lowered it. "Charms or something."

"Well, night." Lily's head was raging. Did she want a conversation with Potter? But this wasn't the potter she usually spoke to. He was nicer, more like Remus than a toerag. But she didn't want to see how long it lasted.

"Night." James smiled at her, and she returned it, before heading to the stairs, grinning to herself.

Sitting on her bed, she curled herself into a ball. Maybe Remus was right. Maybe he wasn't all that bad; they'd just had a perfectly nice conversation without him showing off at all. She rolled over and went to sleep, still smiling to herself.

"Where were you last night?" Lily knew the answer anyway but decided to ask Allie for the fun of it. She hadn't heard Allie get back last night, and she was up late today, even for a weekend.

"Library." Came the mumbled reply.

Cat, Mary and Lily raised their eyebrows at each other as Allie did not appear from between the hangings

"And…?" Cat persisted where Lily had left off.

"With Remus." Allie's mumbled reply came through the curtains. Lily could picture her going bright red as Cat shrieked and pulled back the hangings.

Despite being ruthlessly quizzed, Allie kept quiet. Lily kicked Cat into shutting up for a bit before they left for the great hall. Remus met Allie at the bottom of the stairs and they had eyes only for each other. Unfortunately, the rest of his gang were also there. Sirius nudged James at Lily, and left pointedly taking Peter with him. Lily felt herself go red as he approached.

"So." He mumbled. "Your best mate and mine?"

Lily nodded. She smiled to herself as she saw him resist the urge to smooth his hair and decided to go for it.

"Yeah, I wondered why the library was such a great place all of a sudden."

"I thought Remus was trying to live up to his prefect's badge." James admitted. "Just don't tell him that!"

Lily entered the hall still making small talk with James. Her heart sank when she saw Remus in her usual seat. Turning she saw James grinning at her. He motioned to the seat next to him, she hesitated but took it.

After breakfast, Allie and Remus disappeared. Cat vanished taking Mary with her back to the common room, winking at Lily as she went. Lily sighed inwardly and made a mental note to kick her. Sirius looked up and dragged Peter away from the table, still holding his toast.

"Um…" James had gone a funny shade of red, as if he was trying not to blush. "Would you like to-. I mean-. You probably don't-. Um-."

Suddenly Lily felt sorry for him, and finally saw what Remus had meant. Taking his hand in hers she led him from the hall, smiling.


	4. A Different Reality

**A Different Reality**

She felt eyes boring holes in her back as she left. She could imagine the whispers… 'Evans and Potter??' they'd say. It'd be all over school by tomorrow she knew, but something in her didn't mind. And that something was overtaking the part of her head that told her to flee.

Outside the hall, she hesitated, not knowing exactly where she was going. James took over. Grasping her hand tighter he led her to the main doors. The snow blinded them as they left, the sunlight breaking through the clouds onto the white expanse that was the grounds.

James led her to the lake, a small secluded spot of trees near where she always saw them. Had always avoided. He pulled off his cloak and laid it on the floor, motioning her to sit.

She did. And after a moments hesitation, wrapped her arms around him. If he was surprised, he didn't show it and responded, his body enveloping her, protecting her against the winter weather.

Movement in the trees caught her eyes. Shabby robes and brown curly hair flashed from between the trees. She smiled and felt James grinning too. If Allie could be happy, then why couldn't she.

But had he changed? Sitting there in his arms she could believe he had. But it was just a few days ago she had hated him, run from him in the corridor and common room. Made Allie and Cat be early for lessons just to avoid him.

He was saying something. She knew she should be listening, but there was a battle going on in her head, didn't he under stand that. Now he was staring at her. What?

"Um-. What?" She knew that admitting she hadn't been listening was the best way to go, or she'd just end up sounding like an idiot.

He smiled at her and shook his head, as if he understood. "Are you going home for Christmas?"

"No. I do usually, but 'Tuney gets a bit funny when mum and dad fuss over the magic stuff. I don't want to have to deal with that before the OWLs."

"Tuney is…?"

"My sister."

Snow started to fall around them, landing on them. James brushed some flakes from her hair and Lily felt her scalp tingle.

"Yeah, I'd guess that would be difficult." She knew he really didn't know what to say, but he was trying at last.

"I remember getting into Hogwarts, getting the letter." Lily wasn't sure why she was telling him this; it wasn't just making conversation any more. "She was jealous at first I think. Now it's a freak's school. And I'm a freak." She tried to make it sound like it didn't matter, joking, but more feelings came into it than she meant.

She hadn't even told Allie this; Cat thought she was staying to get work done. Nobody knew that her parents had told her to stay to avoid upsetting Petunia again. What about Lily, had nobody thought of that? Tuney got to see her parents every night. Lily got a few times a year, and now she didn't even get that.

James didn't know what to say, she could see she'd stumped him.

"I guess I don't mind." It wasn't a complete lie. "I'll get to see the castle at Christmas for once. Are you staying?"

"Yeah," his face broke into a grin. "I love the castle at Christmas, the decorations are great, and the food's even better. Remus and Sirius are staying too."

"So is Allie." Lily knew they'd been thinking the same thing.

She looked out towards the lake. "It's beautiful out here."

"So are you." He spoke so softly that Lily thought she'd misheard him. She looked up at him, their eyes met, and she knew she hadn't.

It was bright. Too bright. The grounds were unrecognisable, yet Lily felt at home. And he was there, his arms around her, his body close to hers. She kissed him again and again, knowing that she never wanted it to end.

"I love you Lily." The words surprised her, though she had heard them a thousand times before in her sleep. "I love you too James."


End file.
